I accidentally burped into my bong.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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