I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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