i love accidental penises.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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