i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
