Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
