I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
