I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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