I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
