I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
