I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
