i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
