Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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