My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
