you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
