We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
