on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
