i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I will pee on everything he values.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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