I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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