I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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