how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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