So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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