what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
