Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
