today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
