My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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