I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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