Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
