how can u be prego again
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
