Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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