I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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