your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
