So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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