Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
