you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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