I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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