why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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