You just made me feel so damn special
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He passed out mid-signature
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
