The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
