When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
