hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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