And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
worst night to have a conscience
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
