Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
