im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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