I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
