The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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