If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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