my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
