At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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