your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
