There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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