we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
