You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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