Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
