If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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