I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
