goodnight i made you a song goodbye
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
