In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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