remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"