i jhust puked up my retainher.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars