This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
