fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
