If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
